Monday, June 18, 2012

I'll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours...

I debated on whether or not I should share this but I figured what the hell. Lots of people think I'm nuts anyway; might as well go all in...

In addition to chemo, I've been seeking alternative healing methods to kick cancer's ass. This has included acupuncture, meditation and reiki; I refer to them as my hookie bookie magic. Well, my hookie bookie reiki lady kept telling me amazing things about this healer from Paris who comes in 2x a year. Every time I would see her she would ask if I booked an appointment. It seemed a little too "out there", even for me, so I always brushed her off. Then a few weeks ago the shit hit the fan and I said fuck it, what do I have to lose? So I met with her and damn it if she didn't absolutely blow me away. I won't get into everything she said and did but it rocked me and had me in a daze all day long. One thing I will share is that she told me my energy was off and I needed to get to the core of what was blocking my normally groovy vibes. Ok, time to roll up the sleeves and clear some emotional clutter from my chakras. Sorry, was that too "new-agey"? How about, "It's time to get my shit together?" Better? Ok, moving on...

Normally, this would be a time for self flagellation. I would sit down and think about the myriad of ways in which I have fucked up in life. I'd go down the list of shitty things I've done, people I have wronged or the variety of mistakes I've made and I would begin to feel terrible. I thought of this as a sort of penance for my wrong doings. But this time was different. Focusing on the negative just wasn't cutting it. Somewhere inside I knew I needed to just let that go. There comes a point where you just can't apologize anymore for the past. It's done and beating yourself up over it only serves to keep you in that negative, self loathing shame spiral. Where's the growth in that? I realized this time I had to instead focus on the goodness inside of me; the stuff I've gotten right.

In the past few years, especially the last one, I've really worked on becoming a better parent, wife, daughter, sister and friend. The payoff has been enormous. My relationships deepened once I asked myself, "what does this person really need from me?" Sometimes it was as simple as making them laugh, letting them cry or saying nothing at all and just listening. As I sat and thought about the times I've been there for people; either family, friends or strangers, a picture began to form in my head of who I really am. I have a tough facade, but I'm actually pretty sensitive and at my core I'm a good person. There, I said it and I didnt preface it by adding anything negative. Good person...period...end of sentence. That's where my focus should be. That's what I need to cultivate and that is what's going to help me heal. Hmmm...I'm starting to feel better already. Maybe this healer was on to something.

Why DO we feel more comfortable showing people our "flaws" instead of our fabulousness? What's wrong with telling the world that you're awesome? Years ago we had work done on the house and my neighbor came over to see. He couldn't stop admiring the room and saying how beautiful it was. I, of course, pointed out the cracked tile in the ceiling telling him how it annoyed me. He looked at me strangely and said, "The room is beautiful; I didn't even notice the crack. Why would you point that out?" Why indeed. Next time someone comes over I'm going to show them that room, the room where my family spends time together laughing and making memories. If they happen to point out that cracked tile I will tell them the story of how Joe broke it by trying to be Mr. Fix-It and I will smile at the memory :-)

Obnoxious, yes, but totally made me laugh.

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