Growing up in Brooklyn, I considered myself pretty fearless. I was never afraid to walk anywhere. Never afraid of going out after dark. Never afraid of shadows. Maybe because I've seen some things in my life since then, but shadows on CT Scans scare the shit out of me. So when my oncologist walked in yesterday and said there was a questionable shadow on my latest scan, my body froze. Once again, emergency MRI's were scheduled and my life returned to a state of panic and rushing from one office to another.
Today I got the call that a lesion a size no bigger than half of a pencil eraser was spotted on my liver. FUCK. She said it could be a remnant of a tumor they thought they removed but didn't get all of. FUCK. "You have options, Kathleen", she said, "There are things we can do." Heart pounding, I begin to shake as I sit in my car in a Whole Foods parking lot listening to her list the attack plan. New appointments to be made, new doctors to see. FUCK. I have to call Joe. He's waiting to hear from me...so are my parents, my sister, my close friends. I drive to the beach and make my calls; each one takes another piece of my heart. Sean...how do I tell him? He's been through so much. FUCK. All I want to do right now is put my head in my mom's lap and have her tell me this will all be ok. She's so fucking strong, she manages to keep it together until the end of our conversation; we cry together and vow to keep fighting. Joe leaves work, takes the train home and drives to the beach to meet me. We sit in the car and just stare at each other. There are no words. He puts his hand on mine and says, "We are going to beat this, this is just a bump in our long road together." At that moment I love him so much my chest hurts.
That end of treatment party we were planning will have to wait. We're back in warrior mode.