Last week was hell. I've never been that sick in my entire life and it's possible I might be that sick again next week. It occurred to me on Monday, as I sat in my bed and looked at the clock, that in 7 days I would be getting another treatment. The thought alone sent me into an emotional tailspin. Sobbing hysterically, I told Joe I didn't think I could do it again; wasn't sure I would be able to withstand two more months of this. He reminded me of all I have been through in the past year and firmly said "You CAN do this and you WILL do this." He must be receiving some lessons from my sister on how to deal with me because he used to be much more delicate! But, he was right. I looked down at the balled up tissues that littered my bed. What a pity party! This is NOT how I want to spend my non treatment weeks. So, I made a decision; I'm going to live those weeks to the fullest. I'll allow my body the rest and recovery time it needs after treatment. But then I'm kicking my ass into high gear as soon as I start to feel good again.
That's what I did this week and, honestly, it was the happiest I've been in a long time. I made the decision to be happy, to LIVE my life. I put my desire out there and the universe gave it back to me and then some. I saw a play, went to a jazz club, saw a burlesque show, danced to the jukebox at an old man's bar, visited with family, went to a piano bar and talked for hours with Joe, had lunch with Sean and got together with friends. I opened my heart and people made space for me in their lives. I'm so grateful to each and every one of them.
So maybe next week will be rough but that's ok. I can do this...I've decided.