Friday, August 10, 2012

You Can't Handle The Truth

Everyone always asks me how I'm feeling but, really, do people want to know the truth? I think they want the sanitized, "I'm doing great" version. Well, the truth is I'm not. This new chemo is unbelievably rough, I've never been more sick in my life. Just imagine for a moment being trapped inside your immobilized body. Your mind makes demands that your body can't carry out. I can't leave my bed for days, I can't walk without assistance and I can barely feed myself due to the neuropathy in my hands. It takes about 5 days for me to even begin to feel normal. I'm weak and I'm nauseous and I fade in and out of consciousness. I can't believe anything this horrific is actually benefitting my body.

I've been told, "well at least you're not throwing up" or "at least you're not in pain." Really? Live one day in my life and then dispense your pearls of wisdom. If I seem angry to you it's because I am. I'm pissed that this is my reality for now. Don't tell me I only have 3 more months of this and expect that to bring me comfort. Thinking about one more hour of this makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.

You want the truth, there it is. Can you handle the truth?

2 comments:

  1. Hang in there babe. It sucks like a son of a bitch and we keep wanting to protect everyone around us. Honestly, I had such a crappy night last night I would have loved to have thrown up. And I'm not dealing with as hard a chemo as you are. My dad comes with me to chemo and you can see it on his face, 7 years later and he still has terrible memories of his own chemo.

    You know what else drives me nuts? The "Aren't you cured yet?" people. Like really? Really?!

    I wish I had something magical to say, to help you. But you know how it is, every step of the way something gets harder, it gets scarier and you think how can I do this?

    But you will, because you can. And all you can do is trust your own spirit and your own strength. And that means crying when you need to and not worrying about protecting everyone else all the time. Thinking of you and wishing you comfort and easier times these coming weeks.

    Hang in there cancer sister! XOXOXOXO Jaime

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  2. Though our circumstances are very different. And while I am not fighting for my life in nearly the same way that you are. I wouldn't even dream of comparing us because your fight is much more sinister then mine. I find that I understand and I empathize with you. And you are right. I don't think that people really want to hear the truth, the dirty little details of how u really feel and how hard the daily struggle is. But if they are there for you to lean on then that in itself is a true blessing whether they want the truth, the whole truth, or just a piece of the truth. And just remember that some day it will be easier. So just take one day at a time. Do your best. And remember that one day in the future as you stand and watch your boy get married and have babies of his own. You won't even remember just how sick you were. And remember that I am always here as a shoulder to lean on if you feel the need to cry or sob hysterically 4 a minute, or just plain ole vent. Love ya, Hope

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