Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The Weight of Waiting

It's circled in red on my calendar.

Scan day is coming up. Will the time come when I longer dread this day? When it becomes something as innocuous as a dental appointment?

I doubt it. But, I hope so. I really hope so.

My doctor's visit is always scheduled a few days after the scan. This gives my oncologist time to examine the results. For me, though, it is a waiting game. Every time my phones rings, I jump. Is it her office asking me to come in earlier? If I don't hear from her this surely must be a sign that everything is fine. Then why does my entire body shake while I wait for her to walk into her office? 

Every three months. 

The fear of reccurence intensifies the closer I get to scan day. Will my body betray me again? Will I have to endure the pain and anguish again? I erase these thoughts from my mind and remember what my doctor told me. "Focus on what you know to be true." What I know to be true at this moment is that I feel great; I feel healthy. If my scan tells me otherwise, I will deal with it. I don't have a choice over the results; only my response to them. I pray they still show no evidence of disease. I've already started to get the neck spasm that occurs when my body is tense for too long. I need to meditate. I need to practice my yoga. I need for it to be next week already. I need this weight to be lifted.

Whatever I am told, I will continue to live a life of profound gratitude for all I have learned in the last year and a half. How many people get the chance to truly live? To wake up everyday with a sure sense of their place in the world? How lucky am I?

 I am here. I am living. I AM ALIVE.


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