Thursday, April 25, 2013

When The Universe Has Other Plans...

Fuck. That was the first word to enter my mind when I was told the cancer was back. Fuck. I know what this means. It's aggressive; far more aggressive than we imagined. I'm running out of drugs and out of options. Fuck indeed.

I sobbed yesterday all over Midtown. Big, fat tears fell over anything in my path. Blood red eyes, tear streaked face, runny nose. A mess in every sense of the word. Funny thing is, I don't feel sick. When I was first diagnosed, I knew something was wrong. Now, I feel great and this makes me nervous. Soon, will I not be able to breathe without assistance? I don't want to go down like that. But, do I have a choice? I told Joe yesterday that we need to see our lawyer. I need to set up a living will. By no means do I want to be on a respirator or revived. When it ends, let it end. I'm 37. I don't want to think about these things but I know I have to so no one else is forced to make that decision. 

Sean kept calling yesterday to see how the test went. For the first time ever, I lied to him. I said we hadn't spoken to the doctor yet. I couldn't bear to tell him over the phone. I couldn't bear to tell him at all actually. Jesus fucking Christ he is only 17. Every fiber of my being was aching for him. My baby, my boy. This will stay with him for the rest of his life. Sean. I'm sorry I couldn't make this go away. Please know how hard I tried. 

So now I return to the world of the unknown; except I kind of know. I know this is a battle I may not win but I will give it all I have. Thanks to everyone for their support and their love. It is everything to me. 

Let go of anger. Hold your children tighter. Tell them you love them every day of their lives.  Dance your ass off. Appreciate the beauty of the world around you. Connect. Connect. Connect. 

8 comments:

  1. Leenie, May I call you that? Even though I can't possibly really understand how you feel, I can and do certainly empathize with you and for you. And I'm thinking that maybe part of your journey is to share what you have learned with the rest of the world? And just maybe It is what I have learned too. To connect, connect, to say, "I love you to the people who share my life, to be kind, and to NEVER take anything or anyone for granted. Cause you never know."Sean will be a stronger man for having gone through this so don't worry or feel guilty.You sound like an awesome mommy and you can't help what has happened to you.
    And may I add something for you to think about. I never thought that I wanted to be hooked up to Life Support but I was for like 3 weeks after I got hurt. Oh yeah and last but certainly not least. You are my inspiration. Your strength, humor, and courage is amazing. You can and will beat this thing again!! Fuck Cancer!! Love ya. Hope

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love you too! Thank you for your constant encouragement! It means so much to me. Xoxo

      Delete
  2. Sending you so much love. Drop all the "fucks" and tears you need to. Then breathe and you'll pick yourself up and get back after this shit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Karin, I know you understand where I'm coming from. I'm sending that love right back to you. Let's do this. Xoxo

      Delete
  3. Hi Kathleen,

    Very recently, I discovered your blog via Mind Body Green. I just wanted to say that I find both your honesty and your strength incredibly inspiring. Your posts make me cry, they make me laugh and they also make me feel like "hell yeah, i can deal with anything life may have to throw at me!!!" Thank you for sharing your journey with us all, it really does bring it home how important it is to live each of our days with good intention, and demonstrate as much as we possibly can to our friends and family just how much we cherish and love them. Stay strong, stay real, stay beautiful. Sending lots of love and good vibes your way, Lou xxxx
    P.S. I'm sorry if this is out of line or just plain weird, but i'm going to be in NYC between the 26 July and 8 August: if you fancy hanging out (Whole Foods trip, yoga class, museum session or just a walk) I'd be more than happy to hang!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow! I'm honored, truly I am. Thank you for reading my words. I'm glad they have affected you in positive ways. Look me up on Facebook! Then let me know when you're in town. Cheers!

      Delete