Friday, May 31, 2013

Speak Your Truth...


Truth. It's such a big word. It strikes fear in the hearts of liars; and we're all liars, aren't we? We may be honest about our taxes, honest when we are undercharged at the grocery store, and honest with our opinions on whether the blue or the red tie looks better. But, it's the lies we tell ourselves that are most dangerous. I'm happy. I'm satisfied. I don't deserve more than I have. We dare not speak the truth, because then we would need to do something about it. Instead we let fear wash over us, cripple us and turn us into liars.

Today in the shower I had an epiphany. Speak your truth kept repeating in my head. My body felt so tense, as if every 'it's ok' and 'if that's what you want' coiled around each muscle, depleting it of oxygen. I sat on the tub floor and, with the water pouring over me, I loudly said the word TRUTH allowing whatever needed to be said to follow.

TRUTH: I am scared of cancer
TRUTH: I need more than I am getting right now
TRUTH: I am allowed to end relationships on my terms
TRUTH: I have the right to ask more of the people in my life
TRUTH: I am still holding onto anger. 

This went on for some time, and when I stopped, when I couldn't think of any more truths that I had hidden, I let it go. I was free from the lies.

Next, I threw my desires out to the universe. Authentically, boldly I detailed the life I wanted and the quality of the people in it. Friends who challenge my view of the world, elevate me and who are so close to me, they've become family. Family I can rely on.

When are words no longer just words? When they become actions. When we live them, breathe them. I will no longer settle, because settling, no matter how many times I lie to myself that it’s enough, will never do. It will always cause pain; a dull aching that never quite goes away, even if it sometimes falls into the recesses of my mind..

We are all afraid. How we push through that fear is what defines us. Do we allow it to paralyze us into total immobility, making us stuck in our situations?   Do we become bitter and angry? Or do we look fear in the face and say "I just don't care"? We get to decide. But first we must speak our TRUTH. 

Even as I watch my words circle the drain and wash away, I know my truth is always inside of me; waiting to be spoken, waiting to be lived.


Monday, May 20, 2013

The BMW


She's a real beauty
That's what everyone says when they see her
Perfectly polished, she catches the eye of all who pass by  
But there is something they can't see
She was badly hurt not too long ago
Someone banged her up pretty good
It took awhile but she was pieced back together
Good as new, they told us
But as soon as I was alone with her, I knew something was wrong
Nothing can survive that sort of trauma without some internal shifting
It's in the way she drifts off now 
Like she's lost her direction
There is a faint humming noise that was never there before. 
Most people don't notice it.
But I do
I know her well
She used to roar like a lion. 
The two of us like one on the road
Now she hesitates.
Afraid to be bold like she was
I guess that's what happens after you've been damaged, taken apart and put back together. 
Pieces are replaced. Some omitted all together.
I keep taking her back to be repaired but they can't seem to fix her. 
I wonder how long she can keep running like this 
I'm waiting for the day when she gives in and breaks down; her damaged body unable to go anymore.
I imagine a black tow truck arriving when it finally happens. 
The drivers will look at her and say, "what a shame...
          She was a real beauty"


Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Keepin' It Real...

My foundation is cracking and I'm trying to prevent myself from falling into one of the gaping holes that lead to the abyss.
I am not an inspiration.
I am not the chick with cancer leading the marches or rallying the troops.
I am just trying to stay alive and making my time here memorable.
I'm hoping the good memories I am creating will wipe out any bad ones the people I love have of me.
I want to forgive and be forgiven
I want to rise above these feelings of rage and helplessness.
But I find myself dropping to my knees and pounding the ground beneath me with angry fists.
I have cried out "why" to whomever might be listening up there
Maybe I'll get the answer one day. Or not.
I've realized we have control over very little in life.
I've learned that the love I have for my son is stronger and multiplies 10,000x faster than any cancer cell could ever dream of.
May that love wash over him and heal him whenever he needs it.
I know I am not alone
I feel the presence of loved ones, past and present, with me at all times.
I have chosen wisely in the friends department.
They write things like this to me:
"You have so many people who beyond love you and you are such a love in so many people's lives; it's amazing! Any one of us will be your glue anytime to hold you together or stand by you when you fall to pieces just to make sure those pieces don't fall too far. "
I am loved
I am human
I am a fucking mess, at times
But I am always real
And I am still here...