Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Keepin' It Real...

My foundation is cracking and I'm trying to prevent myself from falling into one of the gaping holes that lead to the abyss.
I am not an inspiration.
I am not the chick with cancer leading the marches or rallying the troops.
I am just trying to stay alive and making my time here memorable.
I'm hoping the good memories I am creating will wipe out any bad ones the people I love have of me.
I want to forgive and be forgiven
I want to rise above these feelings of rage and helplessness.
But I find myself dropping to my knees and pounding the ground beneath me with angry fists.
I have cried out "why" to whomever might be listening up there
Maybe I'll get the answer one day. Or not.
I've realized we have control over very little in life.
I've learned that the love I have for my son is stronger and multiplies 10,000x faster than any cancer cell could ever dream of.
May that love wash over him and heal him whenever he needs it.
I know I am not alone
I feel the presence of loved ones, past and present, with me at all times.
I have chosen wisely in the friends department.
They write things like this to me:
"You have so many people who beyond love you and you are such a love in so many people's lives; it's amazing! Any one of us will be your glue anytime to hold you together or stand by you when you fall to pieces just to make sure those pieces don't fall too far. "
I am loved
I am human
I am a fucking mess, at times
But I am always real
And I am still here...


  1. Leenie,
    I don't know you except for the posts I have read on CSL and here. But you are in my heart and my prayers as is your family/friends and especially your son.

    I am so glad you have so much physical support! You have much virtual too! Please let us know how you are...and we will have hope for you when you have doubt!
    With fondness and best wishes!

    1. Thank you so very much for reaching out to me and giving your support. I love our community; the strength and love it gives. I'm feeling it now and I am grateful.

  2. Prayers for love, strength and healing to guide you on your journey through life.

  3. Thank you, whomever you are!

  4. Hi Leenie, I posted above, but I couldn't figure out how to post my name. I am Michelle and am from Denver. I am a fighter and a survivor too, although never with my health, thankfully. I am also an empath and for some reason my energies are being called to you. I keep checking your page for updates. I too am a mother of a teenager, a single mom I am. But I can't imagine your heartache. I am fighting for you, praying for you and wishing peace for you in whatever time you have left on this Earth. We all have to make the best of each day and I am hoping this day was a good one for you. May you have strength and time in abundance.

  5. Leenie,

    My name is Maria, I work for Joe. He told me to check out your blog. You are a powerful writer. I cannot even begin to imagine what you and your family are going through right now. I will keep you in my prayers and I have faith you will pull through. I told Joe that if you need anything to let me know, I don't think I can do much but if I can I will.


  6. Hey Maria, thank you so much for not only reaching out, but for reading my posts. Joe speaks very highly of you and now I know why. Xo Kathleen