Truth. It's such a big word. It strikes fear in the hearts of liars; and we're all liars, aren't we? We may be honest about our taxes, honest when we are undercharged at the grocery store, and honest with our opinions on whether the blue or the red tie looks better. But, it's the lies we tell ourselves that are most dangerous. I'm happy. I'm satisfied. I don't deserve more than I have. We dare not speak the truth, because then we would need to do something about it. Instead we let fear wash over us, cripple us and turn us into liars.
Today in the shower I had an epiphany. Speak your truth kept repeating in my head. My body felt so tense, as if every 'it's ok' and 'if that's what you want' coiled around each muscle, depleting it of oxygen. I sat on the tub floor and, with the water pouring over me, I loudly said the word TRUTH allowing whatever needed to be said to follow.
TRUTH: I am scared of cancer
TRUTH: I need more than I am getting right now
TRUTH: I am allowed to end relationships on my terms
TRUTH: I have the right to ask more of the people in my life
TRUTH: I am still holding onto anger.
This went on for some time, and when I stopped, when I couldn't think of any more truths that I had hidden, I let it go. I was free from the lies.
Next, I threw my desires out to the universe. Authentically, boldly I detailed the life I wanted and the quality of the people in it. Friends who challenge my view of the world, elevate me and who are so close to me, they've become family. Family I can rely on.
When are words no longer just words? When they become actions. When we live them, breathe them. I will no longer settle, because settling, no matter how many times I lie to myself that it’s enough, will never do. It will always cause pain; a dull aching that never quite goes away, even if it sometimes falls into the recesses of my mind..
We are all afraid. How we push through that fear is what defines us. Do we allow it to paralyze us into total immobility, making us stuck in our situations? Do we become bitter and angry? Or do we look fear in the face and say "I just don't care"? We get to decide. But first we must speak our TRUTH.
Even as I watch my words circle the drain and wash away, I know my truth is always inside of me; waiting to be spoken, waiting to be lived.