Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Scabs and Scars and other Wounds

It could be a headline or an article or something that screams CANCER...I have to look. I must look. I must pick at the scab that is almost healing.

Inevitably, the article will be about someone who has died or was given a terminal diagnosis. Stop picking Goddammit! But it's too late. The scab is off and the blood is running. "This isn't me," I tell myself. But it doesn't matter. Once you have been diagnosed with cancer, everyone's story is your story. At least, that's how you can feel. 

Time passes, the scab turns into  yet another scar. Life continues. One day you're mindlessly going through your old voicemails, you know the ones you saved because they're so awesome and just make you smile? Yeah, those. And you hear your friend's voice and she's crying because she's so happy about your last scan results and she's saying , "It's over, you did it!!" And you're happy with her for that moment until you realize that voicemail was from November, before the recurrence and you sink so deeply into the chair you almost fold into yourself. And the scar bursts open and there are tears and hand trembles and you realize you've been rocking but can't recall when you started doing that. And you wonder how many times this is going to happen before you finally crack. You think about the last two years and how incredible they have been and how strong you've been and you think, "Can I maintain this?" And you answer yourself with a "Fuck Yeah!"  But there is that tremble again and you wonder if you're just slapping Band-Aids on a serious wound that maybe needs more help than you ever thought possible. You begin to curse the reiki session that cracked your soul wide open yesterday. Best to keep it all inside as to not get everything messy, right? But your soul aches for healing and is reaching in every direction for the one thing, the one word, the one crystal that will make it all better; where it will all make sense. So you keep searching. Because it's out there. You may die trying, but you'll find it and your wounds will close and you will finally be healed. 

1 comment:

  1. Hi Kathleen, I just got reading through a few of your posts and I had a quick question about your blog. I am involved in the cancer community and was hoping you could email me back when you get the chance. Thanks! - emilywalsh688(at)gmail.com.