Thursday, November 14, 2013

Trust is a four letter word

Trust. That is a word many of us struggle with. Can I trust this person with my valuables? Can I trust this person with my heart? But when you're dealing with a health crisis, such as cancer, and have to ask the question, "Can I trust this person with my life?", the stakes are raised immeasurably. 

There is no way to explain the anxiety I feel when I walk into my doctor's office. I carry with me not only my own hopes and fears, but also those of my son, my husband, my parents, my family and friends. The weight is enormous and, if not kept in check, can crush me. 

But I trust her. I made that choice when I took her on as my doctor two years ago. She is smart and thorough and innovative. She is everything you would want in a doctor. So, when her decision to be hyper-aggressive with the tumors that remain in my lungs was put into question by another doctor, I didn't doubt her for a moment. Until I did. We should question, right? Weigh the pros and cons, not head blindly down a path, be the copilot and not just a flight attendant handing out refreshments. Except sometimes you want mommy and daddy to handle everything. Those 'big girl pants' are overwhelming and you want to take shelter under the warm blanket until the monster is gone. 

Life doesn't work that way when you're an adult. Decisions must be made. This is where the trust comes in....but it's not in my doctor. It's the trust I have in myself to make the right decision. Because I am smart and thorough and can be quite innovative myself. You should see the way I 'MacGyver'' shit all over my house. I am everything you would want in a patient. 

I also trust in life; that it works out the way it should. I am learning the lessons I need to learn and am being guided down the path I am supposed to be on. I trust in that with my heart and soul. 

So, I made an informed decision and it's mine; right or wrong. I am the co-pilot where my health is concerned; assisted by an amazing crew, whom I trust almost as much as I trust myself.

Damn, my ass looks great in these 'big girl pants'.