Sunday, February 9, 2014

Clarity On the Mat

This morning, while meditating, I felt the urge to scream
Not very zen, I thought
Or maybe it is the epitome of zen
Something that serves the soul and, after you're done, a state of calm
Anyway, as I began to prepare myself for a long 'Om' I felt a tightness in my chest
As if my body were rejecting this notion of peace
As if it knew exactly what it needed
And it needed to scream
A primal, guttural moan
That seemed to echo like the crystal singing bowl I had before me
I screamed for the 17-year old girl who cowered every time her boyfriend hit her
For the 19-year old who was left 6 months pregnant and alone
For the 20-something year old who always came so close to achieving her dreams,
Only to watch them slip away each time
For the 35-year old woman who was told she had 18 months to live
I screamed for all that I am and who I thought I would be
The heaviness in my chest began to wane
I closed my eyes and allowed the bright, white sunlight to engulf me; to heal what was broken inside
I was not taught to feel
Sensitivity dismissed as weakness
Get over it
Stop crying
But I never did get over it
I pushed it down until it became impacted in me
A mass of fear and anger and self loathing
Growing inside of me like the cancer
I sat there on my mat today
With the sun and my meditation bowl
I thought of all the parts that make me whole
The sensitive girl, the victim, the single mother, the dreamer, the cancer patient
I thought of all that we have been through
I screamed to send the pain into the ether
Or wherever it is that pain goes
"I got you," I told them
And then, collectively,
We let it go

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